My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
