I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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