Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
