she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
