VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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