are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize