She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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