I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
