I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
