The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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