just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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