Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
