Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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