I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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