where am i from again
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
