Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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