i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
