I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
