I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
