I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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