i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I cut my penus on the lid.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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