The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
