the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
