Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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