He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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