I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
