giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
