So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
