I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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