Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
