You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
