i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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