Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
