I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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