I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
