My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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