i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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