I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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