we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am spending my child support on dildos
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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