i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
