I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
