if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
