I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Your penis caused this!
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