eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
