You can't motorboat a personality
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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