You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
