go do what you do best...puke behind churches
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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