Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
