Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
