i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no, he came in my armpit
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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