Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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