He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
