i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
