I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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