Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
