Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
