shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
