the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
