I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
