im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
