you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
