ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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