I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
