I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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