I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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