I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
