I am puke
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just pee around me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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